A change would do you good

Over the last few years I've been gaining more and more weight.  Every time I looked in the mirror all I saw was the fat. More and More of it every day.  A couple of years ago my weight crossed a line I swore I would never let it cross, and I have been struggling ever since.  

I've looked into different diets but decided I cannot do them.  When I deprive myself of something, sugar, carbs, whatever it may be, I end up binging on it when I lose my self-control.  And I know myself well enough to know, I will always lose that self-control at some point.  So I've discovered over time that the best option for me is portion control.  Once I get into the habit of this it's easy to maintain.  I cannot go the rest of my life eating no sugar, or no pasta (the love of my life), I need to eat in a way that is easy to maintain as part of my lifestyle.  I need to be able to get some candy once in a while and not feel guilty about it, not feel like I'm "cheating."  So portion control is the "diet" for me.

About a month and a half ago I started a 90 day workout challenge.  I've started different challenges before, I usually didn't make it through the first week.  I've done the gym, even when I was going to the MMA gym and doing Crossfit, before it became a fade, I was not as dedicated as I am now.  The wonderful Deana introduced me to a youtube workout program called Bikini Body Mommy.  Deana was telling me how it's only 20 minute workouts and how amazing it was.  I'm not a mommy but I thought I would check it out, and I wouldn't have it any other way now.  

Here's what's different about this workout program:

1. I can do it in my own room
2. I only need a set of dumbbells and a chair as equipment (I already had both of those)
3. Most workouts only take about 20 minutes
4. But most importantly: the trainer, Briana, is no Jillian Michaels.  By this I mean she is trying to lose her baby fat.  You get to see her struggle through some of the workouts, trying to lose weight, trying to get back into shape.  She's not some ripped, super fit woman who works out 5 hours a day teaching classes and yelling at you.  She is a mom, recording in her house, turning red faced and sweaty, struggling through some of the workouts.  She's even had to modify some of the time, sometimes doing pushups on her knees, or stepping instead of jumping when doing burpees.

This is the most encouraging and exciting part of the program for me.  It's not some fit woman telling me I can do it, and making everything look way easier than it really is.  It's another woman working hard to get in shape, lose inches, be healthy, struggling with me.

Since doing these workouts I've lost very little weight, BUT I've started to lose fat, my muscles are more toned (I've turned into one of those people that has to stop and flex in the mirror).  I feel stronger, slimmer, my pants are looser, and I'm gaining some of my confidence back.  Gaining weight is not how I lost all my confidence but I do believe it played a part.  I don't like to think that how I feel about myself is affected by how my body looks and feels to me, but I'm only human and that's how my brain works.

I have not lost a lot of weight, mostly because I still eat pretty crappy (work in progress), but I looked in the mirror this morning and thought, "I look good."  I actually thought that about myself.  After years of looking in the mirror and calling myself fat and gross and having a very hard time finding anything positive to say about myself I finally did it without having to think about it, without having to search for something positive to say.  It just came to me.  This is something we should all be doing, no matter how "fat" or "gross" we may think we are.  We should all be able to look in the mirror every day and say, "my eyes are awesome today," "my hair is doing great things," "I look good" something good, anything.  But sometimes it's hard to see past the things we hate about ourselves and want to change.  This is still something I struggle with.  Even after my initial positive thought I wanted to say something about my stomach or my hips but I refused, I did not let myself do it.  I was able to walk away with a positive thought.  It feels good to be thinking that about myself again.

I'm so excited not to only finish this workout but to start on the next one in May.

I was watching a show the other day and there was nudity in it.  At first I was rationalizing it "Eh, it's nothing I haven't seen before."  Then I started to wonder, when did I become so desensitized to this?  When did seeing "just a little" become okay?  When did this become NOT crossing a line?

Everyone has to draw a line in the sand, so to speak.  And it seems that it is becoming harder and harder to not move that line just so we can tell ourselves we haven't crossed it.  With the world throwing things at us, such as nudity and sex, on television, movies and books the line can start to become blurred, so we move it.  

One day it's "just" sex in the show/movie/book, next it's a little nudity, then the next thing you know you're looking back and the first line you drew is so far behind, you can't even see it anymore.  Man is asserting themselves and telling us this is not just okay to do/see, but it's normal.  Satan is working so hard to lead us away from what we know to be right.  

I was raised with certain standards, taught by both my parents and church leaders.  I was taught what is right and wrong in the eyes of God, and then taught to make a choice.  It seems that as I get older I have to work harder and harder to stop myself from moving that line, as though I've allowed myself to believe what the world believes.  It can sometimes be difficult to assert one's self control and say, "NO, this is not okay!"  I did turn off the show I was watching and told myself that I will not go back to it, no matter what!  I've had to do this before and I'm sure I'll have to do it again.  

Because despite what Wendy would always yell at me ("Oh, you're just SO perfect, aren't you?"), I am not perfect, I do give in to temptations and desires and curiosity.  I am still a work in progress, but that's okay, as long as I'm aware of it and keep working at it.